When sorry seems to be the hardest word

Just two words.... two words that can make the difference that makes the difference in all our relationships.  Why can they sometimes be so difficult to say with real meaning?

I call one of the reasons the "unitary perspective".

What does this mean?

Well, quite literally that we choose to only see a particular issue from one perspective.... our own!

We may listen to our partner (well, "pretend" listen anyway), we may even say "sorry", but rather like the child who apologises because the parent demands it, our hearts and therefore our attitudes and behaviours lie pretty much untouched.

So when we with an angry and somewhat hurt tone say "I've said I'm sorry" and wonder why that doesn't make everything all right.... well, that's why.

So how can we free ourselves from the unitary perspective and learn to apologise from the heart?

Step One:
First of all we need to abandon our "right" to be "right", to consciously and deliberately choose to step outside of our own understanding and to be willing to "empty" ourselves of pre-conceptions and judgements.

Okay so step one is going to need some practice!

Imagine you are playing on a beach with a coloured beach ball.  As the ball comes flying toward you all you can see is blue and yellow stripes.  If you insist that the ball is in fact blue and yellow you will miss the more complete truth that you would see if you turned the ball around.  If you turn the ball around you will see it is also green and orange.

We live in a world of multi coloured beach balls!

Once we've turned the ball around we are ready for step two.

Step Two:
Secondly we need to "listen from the heart" to our partner's perspective.

Sounds a bit fluffy?

Actually its a hard-fast determination to understand another.  To see the colours of the beach ball as they do.

It is only when we genuinely understand the pain and hurt of another, that we can make a genuine apology 

It is only when we make a genuine apology that the aggrieved person can be free enough to forgive

Sorry really is the hardest word because it requires us to do some of the hardest work we ever do, abandon our beloved unitary perspective and whole heartedly embrace the perspective of another without condition.

Reconciling the unreconcilable

It was with some relief that I first came across Diane Sollee's infamous words that declared that irreconcilable differences were part of every great relationship and that successful couples learn to "dance" in spite of their differences.

What does irreconcilable difference mean?  and how do we learn the steps necessary to dance in spite of them?

John Gottman offers some illuminating insights by  distinguishing between what he calls "perpetual problems" and "solvable problems".  The former involves patterns of behaviour which short of divine intervention our partner is highly unlikely to ever change.  The wisest choice his research concludes is to accept that some things we will never change and therefore are best over-looked.  Rather like the man who when asked why he put up with his wife making lumpy porridge, replied "sometimes the wisest course of action is to eat around the lumps"


So how do we learn the steps of acceptance?  I suggest three key moves:

1. Stay focused on the values that underpin your relationship- whatever they are and hold firm to them whilst being more flexible over matters of style.  My husband persistently uses every pot and pan we own when he cooks which is really annoying, but his integrity is without question.  I will choose integrity over washing up any day!

2. Relinquish the idea of "perfection" - the truth is you are not perfect and neither is your partner so let's stop seeking what we don't have and enjoy what we do.

3. Appreciate whatever is good about your relationship and tell your partner.  Its a well known "truism" that we get more of what we focus on.


Perhaps learning to "eat around the lumps" is something we all need to learn to do.  Perhaps there is real liberation in reconciling ourselves to the irreconcilable.

Understanding that THIS is often about THAT

Communication in relationships is one of those areas that can cause a great deal of frustration.  Why can't our partner understand us better?  Why is it that despite our undoubted ability to be crystal clear about our intentions, needs, and wants, they persist in well, getting the wrong end of the stick?

I mean (we tell ourselves) if they really loved us then surely communication shouldn't be this hard?

If they really listened to us, then surely they would listen as much to what we don't express as  what we do?  Surely they would understand that when we are talking about THIS we are often communicating about THAT.....surely!

What is it about THAT anyway?

Communication is often multi- layered.  So the conversation about tidiness could really be about how others judge us, the conversation about money could really be about how power is distributed in a relationship, the conversation about the last time we went out together could really be about a growing sense of isolation and a feeling of disconnection in the relationship.

If THIS is really just a reflection of THAT, how are we supposed to get beyond THIS to THAT?

There are simply no shortcuts.  No "quick" fixes.  No magic formula.  Just the simple act of giving someone the gift of our full presence and listening from the heart.

What does it mean to give the gift of presence?  It means being totally in the moment, abandoning pre-conceptions, desires to mend or fix or judge or counsel, or admonish or correct- just being in a focused and intentional way with someone else- with no other agenda other than to BE.

Sounds simple?  It is.  And yet in our rushed and frenzied world where the average person waits just 17 seconds before interrupting it is rapidly becoming a lost art.

The truth is that unless I can perfect the art  of just being I may not be able to do the kind of listening that is needed to reach the THAT.  In fact I may make the mistake of thinking that THIS is all there is and THAT would be a great shame, because THAT will leave your heart and mine untouched.  It will leave unspoken needs and hopes and dreams.  If we just commit to THIS its just possible we will communicate in a deeper and more connected way than we've ever experienced before, and THAT is surely worth aiming for!

Start to STOP!

We all know at some level that some things in relationships are plainly not helpful like being overly critical, or nagging, or being thoughtless.  However research has shown that there are four particular behaviours that are particularly insidious   and that left un-checked can potentially cause irreparable damage.

These (rather helpfully and thanks to Harry Bensen of the Marriage Foundation) fit the acronym STOP-

So what is it that we should start stopping?


1. S coring points: We have probably all at some point played this game- it goes something like this "I'm tired" to which we reply "you're tired, you should have experienced my day" Or perhaps our nearest and dearest offers us a little "constructive criticism" about our behaviour and we respond by drawing attention to their less than favourable characteristics rather than consider that just maybe they have a point!

2. T hinking the worst: This involves telling ourselves a story about our nearest and dearest based on our understanding of  what we consider to be their "true" motives.  So they are "deliberately" taking an age to leave the house because they want to make you late, or intentionally leaving that soggy towel on the floor because they know it annoys you!

3. O pting out: Sometimes its just easier to avoid the issue altogether to just "not go there" and pretend the elephant in the room is not actually there.  In playing the "let's pretend" game, feelings tend to get driven underground where they multiply profusely only to burst forth over something usually quite inconsequential.

4. P utting down: When feelings are not discussed we can open the way to critisism as a way of venting our frustration.  By putting our nearest and dearest down we can (temporarily at least) gain some form of satisfaction.  This opens the way to contempt corrupting our relationships which can begin with the more subtle forms of put down like eye rolling or tutting to the more overt contemptuous statements which leave our partner feeling belittled and shamed.

To varying extents we can all engage in these behaviours, often unconsciously.  In order to prevent them corroding our relationships from the inside out, we need to start stopping them as soon as they show up in our attitudes and behaviours and start engaging in authentic communication which pays attention to our own needs as well as those of our partner.