Start to STOP!

We all know at some level that some things in relationships are plainly not helpful like being overly critical, or nagging, or being thoughtless.  However research has shown that there are four particular behaviours that are particularly insidious   and that left un-checked can potentially cause irreparable damage.

These (rather helpfully and thanks to Harry Bensen of the Marriage Foundation) fit the acronym STOP-

So what is it that we should start stopping?


1. S coring points: We have probably all at some point played this game- it goes something like this "I'm tired" to which we reply "you're tired, you should have experienced my day" Or perhaps our nearest and dearest offers us a little "constructive criticism" about our behaviour and we respond by drawing attention to their less than favourable characteristics rather than consider that just maybe they have a point!

2. T hinking the worst: This involves telling ourselves a story about our nearest and dearest based on our understanding of  what we consider to be their "true" motives.  So they are "deliberately" taking an age to leave the house because they want to make you late, or intentionally leaving that soggy towel on the floor because they know it annoys you!

3. O pting out: Sometimes its just easier to avoid the issue altogether to just "not go there" and pretend the elephant in the room is not actually there.  In playing the "let's pretend" game, feelings tend to get driven underground where they multiply profusely only to burst forth over something usually quite inconsequential.

4. P utting down: When feelings are not discussed we can open the way to critisism as a way of venting our frustration.  By putting our nearest and dearest down we can (temporarily at least) gain some form of satisfaction.  This opens the way to contempt corrupting our relationships which can begin with the more subtle forms of put down like eye rolling or tutting to the more overt contemptuous statements which leave our partner feeling belittled and shamed.

To varying extents we can all engage in these behaviours, often unconsciously.  In order to prevent them corroding our relationships from the inside out, we need to start stopping them as soon as they show up in our attitudes and behaviours and start engaging in authentic communication which pays attention to our own needs as well as those of our partner.