Understanding that THIS is often about THAT

Communication in relationships is one of those areas that can cause a great deal of frustration.  Why can't our partner understand us better?  Why is it that despite our undoubted ability to be crystal clear about our intentions, needs, and wants, they persist in well, getting the wrong end of the stick?

I mean (we tell ourselves) if they really loved us then surely communication shouldn't be this hard?

If they really listened to us, then surely they would listen as much to what we don't express as  what we do?  Surely they would understand that when we are talking about THIS we are often communicating about THAT.....surely!

What is it about THAT anyway?

Communication is often multi- layered.  So the conversation about tidiness could really be about how others judge us, the conversation about money could really be about how power is distributed in a relationship, the conversation about the last time we went out together could really be about a growing sense of isolation and a feeling of disconnection in the relationship.

If THIS is really just a reflection of THAT, how are we supposed to get beyond THIS to THAT?

There are simply no shortcuts.  No "quick" fixes.  No magic formula.  Just the simple act of giving someone the gift of our full presence and listening from the heart.

What does it mean to give the gift of presence?  It means being totally in the moment, abandoning pre-conceptions, desires to mend or fix or judge or counsel, or admonish or correct- just being in a focused and intentional way with someone else- with no other agenda other than to BE.

Sounds simple?  It is.  And yet in our rushed and frenzied world where the average person waits just 17 seconds before interrupting it is rapidly becoming a lost art.

The truth is that unless I can perfect the art  of just being I may not be able to do the kind of listening that is needed to reach the THAT.  In fact I may make the mistake of thinking that THIS is all there is and THAT would be a great shame, because THAT will leave your heart and mine untouched.  It will leave unspoken needs and hopes and dreams.  If we just commit to THIS its just possible we will communicate in a deeper and more connected way than we've ever experienced before, and THAT is surely worth aiming for!