It was with some relief that I first came across Diane Sollee's infamous words that declared that irreconcilable differences were part of every great relationship and that successful couples learn to "dance" in spite of their differences.
What does irreconcilable difference mean? and how do we learn the steps necessary to dance in spite of them?
John Gottman offers some illuminating insights by distinguishing between what he calls "perpetual problems" and "solvable problems". The former involves patterns of behaviour which short of divine intervention our partner is highly unlikely to ever change. The wisest choice his research concludes is to accept that some things we will never change and therefore are best over-looked. Rather like the man who when asked why he put up with his wife making lumpy porridge, replied "sometimes the wisest course of action is to eat around the lumps"
So how do we learn the steps of acceptance? I suggest three key moves:
1. Stay focused on the values that underpin your relationship- whatever they are and hold firm to them whilst being more flexible over matters of style. My husband persistently uses every pot and pan we own when he cooks which is really annoying, but his integrity is without question. I will choose integrity over washing up any day!
2. Relinquish the idea of "perfection" - the truth is you are not perfect and neither is your partner so let's stop seeking what we don't have and enjoy what we do.
3. Appreciate whatever is good about your relationship and tell your partner. Its a well known "truism" that we get more of what we focus on.
Perhaps learning to "eat around the lumps" is something we all need to learn to do. Perhaps there is real liberation in reconciling ourselves to the irreconcilable.
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