Understanding that THIS is often about THAT

Communication in relationships is one of those areas that can cause a great deal of frustration.  Why can't our partner understand us better?  Why is it that despite our undoubted ability to be crystal clear about our intentions, needs, and wants, they persist in well, getting the wrong end of the stick?

I mean (we tell ourselves) if they really loved us then surely communication shouldn't be this hard?

If they really listened to us, then surely they would listen as much to what we don't express as  what we do?  Surely they would understand that when we are talking about THIS we are often communicating about THAT.....surely!

What is it about THAT anyway?

Communication is often multi- layered.  So the conversation about tidiness could really be about how others judge us, the conversation about money could really be about how power is distributed in a relationship, the conversation about the last time we went out together could really be about a growing sense of isolation and a feeling of disconnection in the relationship.

If THIS is really just a reflection of THAT, how are we supposed to get beyond THIS to THAT?

There are simply no shortcuts.  No "quick" fixes.  No magic formula.  Just the simple act of giving someone the gift of our full presence and listening from the heart.

What does it mean to give the gift of presence?  It means being totally in the moment, abandoning pre-conceptions, desires to mend or fix or judge or counsel, or admonish or correct- just being in a focused and intentional way with someone else- with no other agenda other than to BE.

Sounds simple?  It is.  And yet in our rushed and frenzied world where the average person waits just 17 seconds before interrupting it is rapidly becoming a lost art.

The truth is that unless I can perfect the art  of just being I may not be able to do the kind of listening that is needed to reach the THAT.  In fact I may make the mistake of thinking that THIS is all there is and THAT would be a great shame, because THAT will leave your heart and mine untouched.  It will leave unspoken needs and hopes and dreams.  If we just commit to THIS its just possible we will communicate in a deeper and more connected way than we've ever experienced before, and THAT is surely worth aiming for!

Start to STOP!

We all know at some level that some things in relationships are plainly not helpful like being overly critical, or nagging, or being thoughtless.  However research has shown that there are four particular behaviours that are particularly insidious   and that left un-checked can potentially cause irreparable damage.

These (rather helpfully and thanks to Harry Bensen of the Marriage Foundation) fit the acronym STOP-

So what is it that we should start stopping?


1. S coring points: We have probably all at some point played this game- it goes something like this "I'm tired" to which we reply "you're tired, you should have experienced my day" Or perhaps our nearest and dearest offers us a little "constructive criticism" about our behaviour and we respond by drawing attention to their less than favourable characteristics rather than consider that just maybe they have a point!

2. T hinking the worst: This involves telling ourselves a story about our nearest and dearest based on our understanding of  what we consider to be their "true" motives.  So they are "deliberately" taking an age to leave the house because they want to make you late, or intentionally leaving that soggy towel on the floor because they know it annoys you!

3. O pting out: Sometimes its just easier to avoid the issue altogether to just "not go there" and pretend the elephant in the room is not actually there.  In playing the "let's pretend" game, feelings tend to get driven underground where they multiply profusely only to burst forth over something usually quite inconsequential.

4. P utting down: When feelings are not discussed we can open the way to critisism as a way of venting our frustration.  By putting our nearest and dearest down we can (temporarily at least) gain some form of satisfaction.  This opens the way to contempt corrupting our relationships which can begin with the more subtle forms of put down like eye rolling or tutting to the more overt contemptuous statements which leave our partner feeling belittled and shamed.

To varying extents we can all engage in these behaviours, often unconsciously.  In order to prevent them corroding our relationships from the inside out, we need to start stopping them as soon as they show up in our attitudes and behaviours and start engaging in authentic communication which pays attention to our own needs as well as those of our partner.